Vol 61: Issue 11

So this is kind of awkward but it’s been on my mind lately and I know it’s probably nothing but I’ve gotta ask. And be honest, because I need someone I can count on to tell the truth. Okay, so…do you think I look ugly? Ugh, this is so…

A 4-year-old Wisconsin boy called 911 to report that his mom was eating his ice cream, saying she was “being bad and needed to go to jail.” What do you think? “Isn’t he a little old to still believe the police are there to help?”…

WASHINGTON—In the wake of a growing outbreak that has sickened hundreds and killed two in West Texas and New Mexico, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. claimed Friday that measles could be cured with a good concealer.…

WASHINGTON—Failing to receive the reaction he anticipated from audience members, JD Vance was booed at the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts while playing a French horn solo, sources confirmed Friday. The stage curtains…

Astronomers have discovered over 100 additional moons orbiting Saturn, bringing the gas giant’s total to 274. What do you think? “At a certain point, you have to stop and ask yourself why you’re not happy with the 200 moons you’ve…

PALM SPRINGS, CA—Appreciative of the quality time with those who have touched the life of their dear friend, guests at a bachelorette party expressed gratitude Friday that the recent celebration had provided them with valuable time to get…

A Memphis man was recently grazed by a bullet in his home after his 1-year-old pit bull, Oreo, got his paw stuck in the trigger guard of a gun, causing it to fire. What do you think? “This just shows why we need guns specifically…

As the trade war heats up, Canada has imposed 25% retaliatory tariffs on billions of dollars of U.S. goods. Here are all the other ways Canada is fighting back: Dramatically paring back supply of fictional girlfriends Going shelf to shelf…

WASHINGTON—Slumping back in their chairs and whining at the sight of intravenous lines in their bruised arms, a pale Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly asked their Uncle Elon on Friday when they could stop giving him blood. “We’re…

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Suggesting the reversal of a longstanding historical trend towards urbanization, a report published Tuesday by researchers at Harvard University revealed that more Americans were moving away from cities to pursue a rural life…