Vol 61: Issue 11

CLEVELAND—Excitedly heading out to yards, balconies, and public parks across the country to reap the wellness benefits, the U.S. populace confirmed Monday that it was using the extra hour of daylight to sun its perineums even harder. “If…

WICHITA, KS—Urging her niece and nephew to sit down on the couch for a moment to talk about something serious, local fun aunt Penny Laurence confirmed Monday that she had to go away for a while. “Aunt Penny loves you very much, but she made…

NEW YORK—In a continued effort to harness the power of psychology to help customers achieve their fitness goals, Noom announced Monday that the company’s weight loss quiz now guarantees personalized insults tailored to users’…

WASHINGTON—Warning that the highly suspicious individuals constituted a threat to the country’s safety and cultural unity, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security announced plans Monday to create a national registry of Duolingo users. “For…