Vol 61: Issue 11

JOPLIN, MO—In an effort to ensure the sustained growth of the white race and prevent the decline of Western civilization, a local school district launched a new pronatalist sex education class Thursday that requires students to care for 14…

JACKSON, MS—Seeking to assuage consumer concerns about dwindling supplies, the nation’s egg companies reportedly assured shoppers this week that a dozen has always meant nine. “While we have seen some temporary shortfalls due to the…

WASHINGTON—Extending an offer to immigrants hoping to relocate to the United States, President Donald Trump unveiled a new type of visa Thursday for any foreign citizen willing to move to America to be friends with his son Barron. “Any…

Rain showers following a massive Texas dust storm left buildings and vehicles from Missouri to West Virginia covered in a grimy film, a rare weather event known as “dirty rain.” What do you think? “Are we sure that’s not just what…

The 2025 NCAA Division I men’s and women’s basketball tournaments kick off next week. In honor of the season, The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind March Madness. 7: Opportunities for Cooper Flagg’s mom to embarrass him 15:…

WASHINGTON—Following a daring operation that saw authorities seize the man’s property and detain him in an undisclosed location, FBI director Kash Patel announced Thursday that federal agents had uncovered 43 terabytes of free speech from…

Tesla car dealerships across the U.S. have been attacked with guns and Molotov cocktails in recent days over what protesters believe is Elon Musk’s overreach in government. What do you think? “Cars are supposed to kill people, not…

PHILADELPHIA—Saying he was in the market for a more powerful and rugged vehicle, prospective car buyer Gabe Orcutt reportedly took an SUV out Wednesday for a test hit and run. “I took it for a spin through some pedestrians, and I like how…

BATON ROUGE, LA—As a direct result of receiving pediatric emergency care services, local toddler Tim Ilsington, who was hospitalized Monday, will reportedly spend the rest of his life associating Mickey Mouse with physical pain. Sources…

CHICAGO—Showing a graciousness and magnanimity that the rest of the world has denied these pariahs and rejects, Jordan Hall, the only good-looking person in the office, was reportedly mingling Wednesday with his hideous coworkers like a…