Vol 61: Issue 11

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—In an attempt to stay organized as she balances the demands of fame and her personal life, pop superstar Taylor Swift reportedly spent Monday night editing the spreadsheet in which she ranks all of her friendships. “Hmm, I…

WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA—In a new revelation shedding further light on the ticket sales and distribution giant’s alleged monopoly, a bombshell report published Tuesday found that Ticketmaster controls 80% of America’s middle school talent shows.…

WASHINGTON—Promising to use the U.S. DOGE Service to usher in a new age of government accountability and transparency, Elon Musk ordered the creation of a federal employee revenge porn database this week. “Federal employees have been lazy…

President Trump’s plans for tariffs, including on goods from Canada and Mexico, have left many consumers and investors uneasy. The Onion separates the facts from the myths. MYTH: Tariffs will revitalize the American auto industry. FACT:…

A study published in the journal Science found that butterflies are vanishing from U.S. landscapes at an alarming rate, with 22% disappearing between 2000 and 2020. What do you think? “This is really going to put a damper on my…

Fried Days (and Nights) - The Onion Cartoons Share Published: March 10, 2025 More Cartoons Explore Tags Vol 61: Issue 11 Read More…

WASHINGTON—Warning that Americans should brace themselves for an economic “period of transition,” President Donald Trump told reporters Monday that a recession would be an unfortunate but necessary step on the way to all-out depression.…

CLEVELAND—Excitedly heading out to yards, balconies, and public parks across the country to reap the wellness benefits, the U.S. populace confirmed Monday that it was using the extra hour of daylight to sun its perineums even harder. “If…

WICHITA, KS—Urging her niece and nephew to sit down on the couch for a moment to talk about something serious, local fun aunt Penny Laurence confirmed Monday that she had to go away for a while. “Aunt Penny loves you very much, but she made…

NEW YORK—In a continued effort to harness the power of psychology to help customers achieve their fitness goals, Noom announced Monday that the company’s weight loss quiz now guarantees personalized insults tailored to users’…