Vol 61: Issue 12

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Finding himself stopped upon entering a building at the Trump International Golf Club, Vice President JD Vance was reportedly reminded by a staff member Tuesday that caddies are not allowed in the clubhouse. “Sir, sir,…

NORFOLK, VA—Rolling their eyes at her mindless embrace of that which brings her happiness in life, sources confirmed Tuesday that basic woman Madison Derry’s entire personality revolves around things she enjoys. “I honestly kind of cringe…

An 81-year-old woman returned an overdue book to a New Jersey library after discovering it among her grandfather’s old things, finding that the book, Home-Made Toys For Girls And Boys, was borrowed in March 1926. What do you think?…

AUSTIN, TX—In a drastic new order purportedly aimed at protecting its citizens, Texas state government officials reportedly put into effect a new mandatory six-month quarantine that would apply to anyone who has ever watched Will And…

FORT WAYNE, IN—Boasting that she could already tell the two would produce beautiful babies, local senile grandma Deborah Hansen tried to set her grandkids up with each other, alarmed sources confirmed Monday. “You know, my lovely…

BALTIMORE—In the wake of news that the New York senator had postponed his book tour amid controversy over his vote for a spending bill, dejected Chuck Schumer superfan Sean Angston told reporters Monday that he couldn’t believe he had…

Stepson Liked With All Of Man’s Heart - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: March 17, 2025 More News in Photos Explore Tags Read…

This month Lady Gaga released Mayhem, her seventh studio album. The Onion sat down with the artist and actor to discuss songwriting, self-care, and what’s next. 
The Onion: What was the creative impetus for this record? Gaga: I have always…

CLEVELAND—Concluding that the rewards simply weren’t worth the risks, local man Tim Fitzpatrick told reporters Monday that he would leave his oversized leprechaun hat at home on St. Patrick’s Day to avoid damaging it. “Obviously, it’d be a…