Vol 61: Issue 13

MADISON, WI—Amid his political action committee’s campaign to influence a closely contested Wisconsin Supreme Court election, Elon Musk told reporters Friday that he was amazed by how much cheaper bribing voters was in the Midwest. “I knew…

A United Airlines flight headed to Shanghai from LAX last weekend had to turn around after two hours in the air when one of the pilots realized he had forgotten his passport. What do you think? “What, he’s too good to suck and fuck…

VATICAN CITY—Saying the pontiff’s abrupt change in personality had put them all on edge, cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church confirmed Friday that they were weirded out by how religious the pope had become following his recent brush with…

A new Deloitte study found that about 50% of younger consumers prefer watching creator-driven content on social media over big-budget Hollywood entertainment, claiming they feel more connected to influencers than to actors. What do you…

WASHINGTON—In a stunning escalation of his ongoing automotive trade war, President Donald Trump announced Friday that he was imposing a 25% tariff on foreign-made cars that talk, make wisecracks, and have real emotions just like…

AUSTIN, TX—In an effort to crack down on the statewide proliferation of adult foodstuffs, the Texas Legislature passed a new law Friday requiring all residents to show identification to buy phallic foods. “From bananas to cucumbers to…

Hallow, a Catholic prayer app, is observing Lent with a prayer challenge featuring celebrities like Mark Wahlberg, who is also an investor in the app. The Onion shares everything you need to know about Hallow. Q: Who is Hallow aimed…

EDEN PRAIRIE, MN—Causing light bulbs to shatter and plaster to rain down from the ceiling of the quaking room, pale teenage psychic Derek Timmons reportedly collapsed with a nosebleed Friday after trying to jerk himself off with the power…

SARTELL, MN—Feeling a deep sense of embarrassment wash over his long, scaly body, a local snake getting twirled around like a lasso reportedly realized Friday that he was never going to live this down. “Being spun in circles above the head…

LOS ANGELES—Faced with one final test before his admission to the criminal organization, gang initiate Hector Gunnerson was reportedly forced to peacefully deescalate a conflict Thursday to prove that he was not a cop. “I know Big Mike…