Vol 61: Issue 13

PROVO, UT—In a crushing blow to the team’s hopes of winning the NCAA men’s tournament, star Brigham Young University player Mihailo Boskovic was reportedly suspended Tuesday after testing positive for coffee. “Upon detecting the illicit…

HILLSDALE, NY—Sighing loudly after a login attempt revealed he would need to enter credit card information to continue, actor Walton Goggins reportedly wondered aloud Tuesday how many HBO series he would need to appear in to receive a free…

Democrats Huddle To Decide How Best To Let Massive Republican Fuck-Up Slip Through Fingers - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: March 25, 2025…

‘I Messed Up At Work Again,’ Crestfallen Michael Waltz Texts Wife, National Geographic Editorial Staff - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: March 25,…

Top national security officials for President Donald Trump, including his defense secretary, texted war plans for upcoming military strikes in Yemen to a group chat in a secure messaging app that included the editor-in-chief of The…

JUPITER ISLAND, FL—Providing context after the announcement of his new relationship with Donald Trump Jr.’s former spouse Vanessa Trump, Tiger Woods claimed Tuesday that in time he will fuck everyone’s ex-wife. “I appreciate that my dating…

GARLAND, TX—Rambling on about how she had always harbored “feelings, um, you know, like, the romantic kind” for him, area woman Kayla Sullivan was reportedly losing steam while professing her love to her crush Tuesday because she thought he…

SAN FRANCISCO—Touting the move as a minimally intrusive and private way to keep its sexual health medications available to a wide customer base, Hims announced Tuesday that erections provided by the company would soon feature ads. “In an…

Stuck in the Timiddle With You - The Onion Cartoons Share Published: March 24, 2025 More Cartoons Explore Tags Vol 61: Issue 13 Read…

A thief who swiped a golden toilet from an English palace was convicted along with an accomplice who helped cash in on the 18-carat work of art insured for more than $6 million. What do you think? “Thank God, I can’t hold it in any…