Vol 61: Issue 14

LYNCHBURG, VA—In a move that betrayed no hint of his past behavior or experiences, a guy ordering a nonalcoholic beer Tuesday had reportedly either seen a ton of shit or no shit at all. “The second this dude bellied up to the bar and put…

LANSING, MI—Expressing dismay at the lack of more subdued options, bereaved nephew Douglas Kerns confirmed Tuesday that the only bag of chips big enough for his uncle’s funeral reception said “Party Size!” on it. “We’re going to need…

Attorney General Seeks Death Penalty For All UnitedHealthcare Customers - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: April 1, 2025 More News in Photos…

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying the defense secretary had recklessly veered out of his lane numerous times, a highway patrol officer reportedly asked Pete Hegseth on Tuesday to carry out drone strikes in a straight line. “Sir, I’m going to need you to…

MANCHESTER, NH—Saying the option offered an extra safety net to anyone faced with a job loss, administrators at Brentwell Solutions confirmed Wednesday that an extension of benefits through COBRA would allow terminated employees to continue…

ITHACA, NY—As nearly a dozen prospective students were forced into the back of a car with tinted windows, a Cornell University campus tour reportedly ended Tuesday inside an unmarked Immigration and Customs Enforcement vehicle. “Over there…

The University of Maryland announced that muppet Kermit the Frog will speak at its 2025 commencement ceremony, the iconic green frog having been created by Jim Henson, who graduated from UMD in 1960. What do you think? “I hope he…

As the art of homesteading enjoys a resurgence in modern culture, many Americans are turning to backyard chicken coops as both an alternative source of food and a rewarding hobby. The Onion shares tips for tending a flock of chickens of…

WASHINGTON—Lambasting the current program as wasteful, bloated, and entirely unnecessary, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth called for steep cuts Monday to the number of steps in the Alcoholics Anonymous recovery model. “We must cut through…

Dietary Restrict-Funs - The Onion Cartoons Share Published: March 31, 2025 More Cartoons Explore Tags Vol 61: Issue 14 Read More…