Vol 61: Issue 15

SARASOTA, FL—As part of an effort to expose the student body to a variety of cultural perspectives, the New College of Florida announced Thursday that it had invited English comedian and podcaster Russell Brand to teach a sexual assault…

The U.S. Commerce Secretary defended the country’s decision to impose tariffs on Heard and McDonald Islands, an uninhabited archipelago populated only by penguins and seals. What do you think? “There go our closest allies.” Nora…

Pebble Rattling Around In Shoe Turns Out To Be Loose Toe - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: April 10, 2025 More News in Photos Explore…

EL RENO, OK—Explaining to the server at local restaurant Sid’s Diner that he only wanted one patty—not two—dainty little man Carlos Villarreal reportedly ordered a single cheeseburger Thursday. “Oh dear, is this delicate fellow worried…

WASHINGTON—Demanding viewers look upon their precious offspring or suffer dire consequences, extremist parenting organization Mamas United reportedly hijacked the airwaves Monday to broadcast photos of their children. “People of the…

Mall Escalator Spits Out Another Pile Of Bones - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: April 9, 2025 More News in Photos Explore Tags…

A pair of critically endangered, nearly 100-year-old Galapagos tortoises at the Philadelphia Zoo have become first-time parents, with the arrival of the four hatchlings being a first in the zoo’s more than 150-year history. What do you…

LOUISVILLE, KY—Expressing a mix of frustration and stunned disbelief at the woman’s lack of enthusiasm, local man Ron Broder told reporters Wednesday that the escort whose services he had solicited for the evening fell asleep during Star…

PALM BEACH, FL—Boasting that they were about to become “gajillionaires” thanks to their technological innovation, the Trump boys reportedly hooked a dollar bill up to a potato Tuesday in an attempt to make cryptocurrency. “Uncle Elon…

White House Revokes Biden’s Veneers - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: April 9, 2025 More News in Photos Explore Tags Read…