Vol 61: Issue 15

Mega Millions players will get slightly better odds and should start seeing more billion-dollar jackpots, but at a cost with tickets for the multi-state lottery jumping in price from $2 to $5. What do you think? “This is going to…

VEVEY, SWITZERLAND—With the food conglomerate saying the acquisition made sense given its longstanding strategic partnership with the pathogen, Nestlé released a statement Friday confirming it had purchased E. coli for…

LOS ANGELES—In a press junket addressing the finale of the HBO series, White Lotus actor Patrick Schwarzenegger told reporters Tuesday he had grown worried that his role in the show would leave him typecast as a hand job recipient. “I’m…

Report: Recession Fears Forcing More Americans To Hold Off On Retiring From Presidency - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: April 8, 2025 More…

LOS ANGELES—Thanking everyone who had helped her make the world a more unequal and uneducated place, actress and comedian Roseanne Barr announced Monday that her illiteracy charity had snatched its 100 millionth book from a child.…

WASHINGTON—As part of a sweeping overhaul of the building’s plumbing system, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly ordered the removal of sinks Tuesday from all bathrooms in the Department of Health and Human Services headquarters. “People…

WASHINGTON—Warning that even the slightest dent, knick, or scratch would henceforth be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, Attorney General Pam Bondi announced Tuesday that Raymond Pratt, a 54-year-old resident of Chula…

SAN ANTONIO—Capping off their rousing victory in the finals with a beloved NCAA basketball tradition, the Florida Gators climbed a ladder on the Alamodome court Monday night and used a pair of scissors to circumcise veteran broadcaster Dick…

WASHINGTON—As the Trump administration continues to alter the version of American history that appears in government publications, sources confirmed Monday that a page on the National Parks website had been revised to describe Harriet…

A 3-year-old girl found a scarab-shaped Canaanite amulet dating back some 3,800 years while on a hike with family in Israel. What do you think? “Oh, every parent thinks their kid’s 3,800-year-old amulet is special.” Angela Vogel,…