Vol 61: Issue 16

Coachella, the annual music festival held at the Empire Polo Club in Indio, CA, has wrapped up the first of its two weekends. The Onion takes a look at the key facts and figures behind the event. $300: For MDMA that turned out to be fucking…

Nation Can’t Believe It On Harvard’s Side - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: April 17, 2025 More News in Photos Explore Tags…

EAST HANOVER, NJ—As part of the health secretary’s highly publicized pledge to determine the cause of the disorder in the next five months, a wild-eyed Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly shouted “Show me where autism is made!” Thursday…

NEW HAVEN, CT—Calling such concern for linguistic precision a clear indicator of a thriving country, a panel of historians from Yale University issued a statement Thursday announcing that quibbling over the exact definition of a…

WASHINGTON—Completely mortified while watching the body part detach, Vice President JD Vance reportedly rushed Thursday to put his wife’s head back on after fumbling the second lady. “No, no, no, no!” cried out the 40-year-old vice…

A curio shop owner was arrested and charged for allegedly selling “genuine human remains” online, attempting to pass them off as “educational models.” What do you think? “We only use 10% of our bones anyway.” Ariel Bellemare, Coyote…

CHICAGO—Unsure what to make of the perk that came bundled with his recently purchased device, area man David Halstead reported Tuesday that his new iPad offered three months of something called Apple Deli+. “I just linked my iPad up to…

CHICAGO—Stressing that the delicate subject should be broached sensitively and responsibly, parenting experts from the University of Chicago shared tips Thursday for talking to kids about being heir to the throne of a small European…

A man is in custody after scaling an iron security fence in the middle of the night, eluding police, and breaking into the Pennsylvania governor’s mansion where he set a fire, claiming he would have attacked Governor Shapiro with a hammer…

ARLINGTON, VA—In an effort to ensure the continued safety of the almighty being, the U.S. Marshals Service confirmed Monday that God, He Who Created the Heavens and the Earth, has been placed into the Deity Protection Program after…