Vol 61: Issue 16

WILMINGTON, DE—Adding to his streak of disagreeable behavior, 12-year-old nephew Cooper Goodpaster was reportedly in trouble for strangling again. “Oh gosh, that’s not good, is it?” said 38-year-old Zachary Goodpaster, the delinquent…

A paper published in Royal Society Open Science found that many medieval book covers previously thought to be made from deer or boar skin were in fact made of sealskin. What do you think? “I’ve always thought seals would look great…

TOADSTOOL VALE—To aid ongoing recovery efforts in mystical lands recently devastated by a moonbeam, singer and composer Björk held a benefit concert Thursday in support of wilted sunflowers living in the mushroom forest. “This next…

Gerald, we need to talk. None of this is going to be easy for you to hear, but the simple fact is that you’ve changed. I’ve tried ignoring that feeling, to grin and bear it like a good wife would, but I just can’t pretend any longer: You’re…

WASHINGTON—During a visit with President Donald Trump at the White House, El Salvador’s president Nayib Bukele claimed Monday that he “lacks the humanity” to return wrongly deported legal U.S. resident Kilmar Abrego Garcia back to America.…

Paternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - The Onion Cartoons Share Published: April 14, 2025 More Cartoons Explore Tags Vol 61: Issue 16…

NEW YORK—Insisting he was keeping all avenues open as he explored his future, ESPN commentator Stephen A. Smith told reporters Monday that he still hasn’t ruled out living a cushy life as a millionaire television personality with no…

From bold color choices to intricate patterns, there are many ways to make your springtime holiday decorations stand out from the rest. The Onion shares tips for dyeing Easter eggs. Decide if you’ll be doing impressionism, pointillism, or a…

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—In what the 41-year-old New York Jets quarterback described as a “transformative experience,” Aaron Rodgers confirmed Wednesday that he’d gone on an ayahuasca retreat in search of new interview anecdotes. “When I…

MEDINA, OH—Speculating that the situation could be worth looking into at some point down the line, a report released Friday found that local wife Casey Davis, 37, hadn’t been home in a few days. “Huh, that’s weird,” said Nick Davis,…