Vol 61: Issue 17

The post Prison Guards Burn Another Pile Of Used Underwear Sent To Luigi Mangione appeared first on The Onion. The Onion

WASHINGTON—Promising to use all of his power as health secretary to find a cure for the condition, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly directed the National Institutes of Health on Friday to create a registry of U.S. introverts who sometimes…

Federal Regulators Hold Celebratory Seatbelt-Cutting Ceremony - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: April 25, 2025 More News in Photos…

Beginning May 7, Americans will not be able to go through airport security or enter federal buildings without Real ID. The Onion shares everything you need to know about Real ID amid the looming deadline. Q: What am I required to do…

ST. LOUIS—Apologizing to all customers who had received a defective product, pet food giant Fancy Feast issued a massive recall Friday for 1 million cans of food that cats just kind of stared at before wandering away. “Any cans of Fancy…

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Uncovering a troubling disruption of America’s ecological systems, a study published Friday by researchers at Harvard University found that plants have become increasingly reliant on gig workers for pollination. “Freelance…

Chipotle has announced plans to expand into Mexico, sharing that their first restaurant will open early next year. What do you think? “Makes sense, Mexican food is big down there.” Mary North, Book Inscriber “Great, I’ll…

VATICAN CITY—In a stunning discovery that revealed the full extent of the pontiff’s addiction, Vatican coroner Fernando Ruini released a report Thursday confirming Pope Francis died of a eucharistic overdose. “Our autopsy found the Holy…

Secretary of State Marco Rubio has announced plans to make sweeping cuts to the State Department, which he called “bloated” and “bureaucratic.” What do you think? “Nobody has ever been able to explain to me what the rest of the…

Pope Francis, the first pope from the Americas, died Easter Monday at age 88. The Onion honors the late pontiff by looking back on his life and legacy. 1936: Jorge Mario Bergoglio is born in Buenos Aires, Argentina, to Italian immigrants…