Vol 61: Issue 17

THE HEAVENS—Admitting that He had barely even noticed the leader of the Catholic Church had died, God, our Lord and Heavenly Father, announced Tuesday that He was too obsessed with ants right now to focus on the next pope. “While I want to…

Pope Francis, the Catholic Church’s first Latin American pontiff and a leader who charmed the world with his humble style and concern for the poor, has died at the age of 88. What do you think? “Presbyterians, now’s our chance to…

CHICAGO—Acknowledging the profound and deeply bittersweet paradox, local man Gary Lanetti reported Tuesday that “grief is the price we pay for love” as he clutched an empty package of salami close to his chest. “Opening yourself up to true…

WORCESTER, MA—Blinking in disbelief as the individual passed him on the street alive and well, local serial killer Aaron Samuel Christensen confirmed to reporters Tuesday that he could have sworn he killed that guy already. “Is my memory…

WASHINGTON—Looking around with despair as he searched for an open seat in the Pentagon cafeteria, U.S. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was reportedly forced to drink his lunch alone Wednesday. According to witnesses, the 44-year-old…

VATICAN CITY—Landing in the emergency room after he ended his solemn Easter blessing by vomiting bright colors from a balcony onto the crowd in St. Peter’s Square, His Holiness Pope Francis was admitted back into the hospital Sunday as a…

Experts recommend that every family keep a “go bag,” a portable survival kit packed with enough supplies to last at least three days in an emergency. The Onion shares tips for preparing a go bag of your own. A multitool, such as a Swiss…

WASHINGTON—Staunchly defending his decision to share sensitive military data in messages to his wife, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth told reporters Monday, “There are no state secrets in a healthy relationship.” “Communication is key in…

VATICAN CITY—Saying he couldn’t help but think “I told you so” in the wake of the bishop of Rome’s death, Cardinal Giuseppe Betori of Florence confirmed Monday that he was feeling pretty vindicated after having spent all of Easter dinner…

The colossal squid, the heaviest invertebrate in the world, was captured on video swimming in the deep sea for the first time since it was identified a century ago. What do you think? “I’ve always dreamed of what it’d look like if a…