Vol 61: Issue 19

MIAMI—Groaning as he scrolled through the terms and conditions and agreed to hold the platform harmless in the event of a financial loss, local man Ben Tormos told reporters Monday that he couldn’t believe he had to download a stupid app…

Robert Francis Prevost, known now as Leo XIV, will be the 267th occupant of the throne of St. Peter, the first American to fill the role of Pope. What do you think? “Now all 340 million of us have somewhere to crash in Rome.” Duncan…

Starbase, home to SpaceX’s private launch site, has voted to become an official Texas city. The Onion shares the perfect two-day itinerary for Starbase tourists. Day One 9:30 a.m. Get started at the visitor center From the airport, head…

STARBASE, TX—Screaming in terror as he rushed through the raging flames consuming his promised tech utopia, billionaire Elon Musk reportedly pushed aside a 9-year-old child Friday on his way to the escape pods as Starbase collapsed behind…

CHICAGO—A study published Friday by the National Association of Realtors concluded that most millennials will never own a swanky undersea apartment where fish swim past the windows. “For the majority of working adults age 29 to 44, the…

After stopping a vehicle whose owner had an active warrant and a suspended driver’s license, police in Ohio were surprised to discover a pet raccoon named Chewy with a meth pipe in its mouth. What do you think? “No wonder raccoons…

Whether you go to a restaurant or host an event in your home, brunch is a great way to celebrate the maternal figures in your life. The Onion shares tips for planning the perfect Mother’s Day brunch. Make sure the restaurant serves whatever…

VATICAN CITY—Angrily stomping on his vestments and throwing his zucchetto on the ground, Cardinal Pietro Parolin told reporters Friday that being passed over for pope meant he had devoted his life to God for absolutely nothing. “Five…

DANBURY, CT—Expressing immense satisfaction with the recently purchased device’s performance, area dad Frank Hoyer confirmed Friday that he was impressed by how easily a new lawn mower tore through his son Alan’s leg. “Look at this thing…

Pope Leo XIV: ‘There Couldn’t Be A Better Time To Get The Fuck Out Of America Forever’ - The Onion Published: May 8, 2025 Advertising Advertising…