Vol 61: Issue 19

Conclave Selects First Chicago-Style Pope - The Onion Published: May 8, 2025 Advertising Advertising Explore More Photos Explore Tags…

THE HEAVENS—Cursing aloud the moment news of Leo XIV’s election arrived on His phone screen, the Lord Almighty told reporters Thursday that he had lost $400 Thursday betting on Cardinal Luis Antonio Tagle to become pope. “Oh, son of a…

A Kentucky mom is speaking out after her 8-year-old son unknowingly ordered 30 boxes of Dum-Dums lollipops on Amazon, racking up a $4,200 charge. What do you think? “But he’ll spoil his 40,000 dinners!” Sophie Burlingame, Copper…

CAIRO—In what many are calling the most cringe discovery of the century, a team of archaeologists reportedly uncovered evidence this week of a completely embarrassing Egyptian Rockabilly dynasty. “While excavating an area around the Valley…

TORONTO—Admitting that he had butterflies in anticipation, local man Greg Fitzsimmons reported feeling nervous Friday before introducing his date to his hives for the first time. “They can get irritated pretty easily, so I really hope…

Trump Absent-Mindedly Snacks On Constitution - The Onion Published: May 7, 2025 Advertising Advertising Explore More Photos Explore Tags…

​​President Donald Trump is directing the reopening and expansion of Alcatraz, the notorious former prison on a hard-to-reach California island off San Francisco that has been closed for more than 60 years. What do you think?…

President Donald Trump’s administration said that it is going to pay immigrants who are in the United States illegally and return to their home country voluntarily $1,000 as it pushes forward with its mass deportation agenda. What do you…

WASHINGTON—In a move the Trump administration claims will reduce government waste and remove redundancies from federally funded programs, the National Endowment for the Arts announced a sweeping round of layoffs Wednesday that terminated…

TUCSON, AZ—Expressing concerns after she observed several of the telltale warning signs, fourth-grade teacher Patricia Cormac told reporters Wednesday that she could tell a student in her class with spiky hair and sunglasses came from a rad…