Vol 61: Issue 19

Sin’N’Out - The Onion Published: May 7, 2025 Advertising Advertising Explore More Cartoons The Onion

PBS NewsHour Interrupted By Repo Men Seizing Desk - The Onion Published: May 6, 2025 Advertising Advertising Explore More Photos…

WASHINGTON—Angrily claimings the populace had neglected its patriotic duty to support domestic manufacturing, President Donald Trump issued a statement Tuesday decrying the lack of U.S.-made products lodged in American rectums. “Sad how…

FRESNO, CA—Revealing that all of the company’s customers have been seduced by a hidden monstrosity, Sun-Maid announced Tuesday that the girl in the company logo has always been a sentient raisin disguising itself in human flesh. “You’ve…

WASHINGTON—Promising to lift export controls on AI chips if they received the rare first-edition trading card in return, U.S. trade negotiators reportedly offered China access to advanced semiconductors Tuesday in exchange for a holographic…

AUGUSTA, GA—Racked with guilt at the thought of making the wrong decision, local couple Anthony Wells and Katherine MacNaughton were reportedly debating on Tuesday the ethical implications of bringing another child into this bar. “There are…

WASHINGTON—Vowing to restore and revitalize the facilities as a symbol of law, order, and justice, President Donald Trump ordered the U.S. government Monday to reopen Joann Fabrics and Crafts stores as federal prisons. “I am directing…

A great white shark trapped on a sand bank along the coast of Australia was saved by three men who spent nearly an hour maneuvering the animal into deeper waters. What do you think? “Hopefully this will usher in an age of peace…

According to the Centers for Disease Control, 1 in 31 U.S. children is diagnosed with ASD, also known as autism spectrum disorder. The Onion dispels the common myths surrounding autism. MYTH: Autism is caused by vaccines. FACT: There is no…

WASHINGTON—Questioning the press’s past coverage of the man known as the D.C. sniper, social media users have reportedly begun criticizing the early 2000s media for its harsh treatment of John Allen Muhammad. “You should have seen the…