Vol 61: Issue 2

WASHINGTON—Peeking out of his coffin with one eye open, a jealous President-elect Donald Trump reportedly threw his own state funeral Thursday in an effort to upstage the late Jimmy Carter’s ceremony. “I’m way deader than he is,” mumbled…

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Noting with frustration that the 4-year-old’s viewing habits had likely destroyed his YouTube account forever, local man James Ratliff told reporters Monday that…

NEW YORK—Addressing reporters during the league’s annual sports medicine consortium, NBA team physicians admitted Wednesday that the medical stuff they know is almost entirely limited to the legs. “To be completely honest, we mostly just…

CHICAGO—Cocking her head in confusion as she sought to determine if what she was attempting to do was even possible, area woman Sandra Brackett reportedly struggled to put down her bags Wednesday while still holding onto her coffee like a…

Congestion pricing is now in effect in New York City after months of delays and legal challenges, with many curious how traffic will change throughout the day, if at all. What do you think? “I thought I was hit by fewer cars today!”…

Compared to similar high-income nations, Americans spend twice as much on healthcare, yet have lower life expectancies and higher infant mortality rates. The Onion looks at the key facts and figures behind the U.S. healthcare system. …

DURHAM, NC—Shrugging as he issued a half-hearted apology for his absence, Duke freshman basketball player Cooper Flagg confirmed Tuesday he would be out for two weeks due to a family trip to Hilton Head Island. “I really want to be there…

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau resigned as polls indicated that his Liberal Party was set to be trounced by the opposition Conservative Party in the upcoming election. What do you think? “Good, he would never have beaten…

TOKYO—Working for nearly eight hours to bring the record-setting catch aboard, a group of Japanese fishermen reportedly reeled in a 600-pound can of tuna Tuesday that was later auctioned off at a local fish market. “From the moment I felt…

KOHLER, WI—To address a situation the plumbing-fixture company described as embarrassing for everyone involved, Kohler issued a recall Tuesday of 30,000 bathtubs it had shipped with a nude man already inside. “Due to a mix-up at our…