Vol 61: Issue 21

Costa Rican prison guards intercepted a black-and-white cat carrying over 230 grams of marijuana and 67 grams of crack cocaine in two packages, the drugs having been taped to its body. What do you think? “This is why prison guards…

Kim Kardashian announced that she has completed her law program after six years of legal studies, with her sister Khloé sharing photos of the private ceremony on her Instagram story. What do you think? “Well now she’s definitely out…

WASHINGTON—Predicting that the system would save countless Americans from missing an all-time classic, the Federal Emergency Management Agency announced the creation of a new alert Friday that would notify the public whenever the 1996…

A Texas man filed a lawsuit against the fast food chain Whataburger alleging that he received onions on his burger despite requesting none, claiming the meal caused an allergic reaction. What do you think? “How much am I entitled to…

Mission: Impossible—The Final Reckoning, the eighth installment in the series, is expected to be another box-office smash. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the film. Q: Who is directing? A: Christopher McQuarrie with…

CHICAGO—Attempting to keep her browser tab concealed from view for fear her guilty pleasure would be exposed to nearby coworkers, ashamed woman Lily Paolini was reportedly hiding her interest in country music Friday as though it were…

VAN NUYS, CA—Using a grand gesture to reveal his feelings to the object of his affection, local teenager Eddy French reportedly stood outside his crush’s window Friday holding up Peter Gabriel. “As soon as I pulled back my curtain and saw…

ATHENS, OH—Making a comprehensive determination about her patient almost instantaneously, no-nonsense nurse Mary-Jo McMann was reportedly able to complete a patient’s entire medical chart Thursday after pinching her arm flab once. “I had…

BANGKOK—Taking a moment to reflect on the ways in which his time abroad had expanded his horizons, Cleveland native Dan Steifel told reporters Thursday his trip to Asia had given him an entirely new understanding of how soup could be…

Rachel Accurso, better known as Ms. Rachel, is a popular YouTuber who creates videos for toddlers. The Onion sat down with Ms. Rachel to discuss education, social media, and the backlash to her public support for the children of Gaza. …