Vol 61: Issue 21

WASHINGTON—Saying the plight of white South African farmers affected him on a deeply personal level, President Donald Trump issued a statement Thursday in which he shared his own experiences as a victim of white genocide. “I’ve kept quiet…

WASHINGTON—Describing the plan it went ahead with as “absolutely toothless” by comparison, the Department of Homeland Security issued a statement Thursday saying the deportation of migrants to South Sudan seemed a lot more humane once you…

AUSTIN, TX—Proclaiming that he had “done enough,” billionaire Elon Musk confirmed Thursday that he would be taking a step back from fatherhood. “I’ve accomplished all I really intended to accomplish as a father—spreading my seed, preserving…

WASHINGTON—Saying how much he had enjoyed watching their outstanding work on the court, President Donald Trump invited the WNBA fans who yelled slurs at Angel Reese to the White House on Thursday. “Today, we celebrate these hard…

Where Everybody Knows Your Flame - The Onion Published: May 22, 2025 Advertising Advertising Explore More Cartoons The Onion

LIBERTY, MO—After reading aloud a picture book about a puppy that works in a coal mine, local first grade teacher Brianna Montgomery asked her students Thursday what they want to be once child labor laws are repealed. “I want everyone to…

MINNEAPOLIS—Moved by the animal’s unwavering devotion, sources confirmed Wednesday that local 4-year-old cocker spaniel Biscuit refused to move from the spot where he had killed his beloved owner. “What a unique bond they must have had,”…

A Lufthansa flight with 205 people on board went without a pilot for 10 minutes last year after the copilot fainted while he was alone in the cockpit. What do you think? “Bet we could get to 20 minutes unmanned, easy.” Joshua…

The Department of Homeland Security is considering a game show that would pit immigrants against each other for a chance at a fast-tracked path to citizenship. What do you think? “Paths to U.S. citizenship should only be going to…

WASHINGTON—Calling for a major investigation into her husband’s son and daughter from a previous marriage, President Donald Trump leveled allegations Tuesday in which he accused Kamala Harris of paying for her stepchildren’s endorsement in…