Vol 61: Issue 23

STAVANGER, NORWAY—Moments after a stunning defeat by 19-year-old Indian prodigy Gukesh Dommaraju, befuddled chess grandmaster Magnus Carlsen exclaimed Monday that he had been bested by the dreaded checkmate gambit. “My God, you’ve…

SAN DIEGO—Shocked by the Immigration and Customs Enforcement raids affecting her very own community, local 43-year-old Jillian Beamer told reporters Monday she had assumed President Donald Trump would only deport people on the list she…

Japan has a new sumo grand champion and the first Japanese competitor to reach the top rank since 2017, the sport having recently been dominated by Mongolians who won six of the previous seven titles. What do you think? “Start…

Summer is tick season. The Onion shares tips for protecting yourself from ticks and the diseases that they carry. Wear long sleeves and tall socks when volunteering at the local tick shelter. Hike in a zigzag motion to throw ticks off your…

RENO, NV—Switching out the torque wrench for something with a little more “oomph,” local sources fiddling under the car hood reportedly requested Monday that it be given some juice. “Come on now, rev ’er up good,” cylinder-block-examining…