Vol 61: Issue 3

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration has banned the use of red dye No. 3 in food, beverages, and ingested drugs, more than 30 years after scientists discovered links to cancer in animals. What do you think? “Good thing I cut out…

WASHINGTON—Watching in horror as the hulking feline pounced on the commander-in-chief scampering across the White House lawn, officials confirmed Friday that President Joe Biden was batted around by a relentless giant cat. “Hey, kitty,…

CAIRO—Finally solving the mystery of how such architectural wonders could have been built with primitive tools in ancient times, Egyptologists from Cambridge University announced Thursday that they had unearthed depictions of the simple…

SAN DIEGO—As they shooed a herd of giraffes into a nearby bathroom, workers told reporters Friday that they were frantically scrambling to hide all of the San Diego Zoo’s animals ahead of a visit from the landlord. “He texted an hour…

Catherine, the Princess of Wales, revealed her cancer is in remission about 10 months after announcing her diagnosis, saying in a post, “It is a relief to now be in remission and I remain focussed on recovery.” What do you think?…

President-elect Donald Trump has expressed his interest in buying Greenland, an idea he first floated back in 2019. The Onion examines the pros and cons of the U.S. acquiring the country. PRO: New Indigenous people to wrong CON: Feels…

LOS ANGELES—In a chaotic scene that saw young people screaming and ducking for cover in the moments after the hip-hop star was served from a passing vehicle, witnesses confirmed Thursday morning that Kendrick Lamar had been hit with a…

Meta founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg has made a major right-wing pivot, including adding Trump ally Dana White to the company’s board and agreeing to cohost an inauguration reception. Here are the other changes Zuckerberg is implementing to…

A ceasefire deal has been reached to end 15 months of fighting in the Gaza Strip, with the agreement also freeing dozens of hostages held in Gaza as well as Palestinians in Israeli jails. What do you think? “Aw, I was just starting…

WASHINGTON—Declining to attend any event or go anywhere at all until 2030, former first lady Michelle Obama confirmed Thursday that she would be skipping the rest of the decade. “I’ve decided to just go ahead and excuse myself for the…