Vol 61: Issue 4

President Donald Trump pardoned approximately 1,500 rioters who participated in the Jan. 6, 2021 attack on the U.S. Capitol. Here is everything you need to know about the pardons and commutations: Q: Who is celebrating the pardons? A:…

NEW YORK—Saying the best healthy eating habits are the ones people can realistically stick to in the long term, a panel of New York University nutritionists issued recommendations Wednesday that included following the occasional trail of…

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Saying he had grown irritated with all the people who wanted to know if his occupation was anything like the popular Netflix series, black market organ dealer Randy Haines told reporters Wednesday he was tired of being…

SPRINGFIELD, IL—Describing the items on the shelf as yet other example of the “woke nonsense” abetting the feminization of American men, local conservative Nick Schwab, 54, told reporters Wednesday he was outraged by the availability of…

BEEKMAN, NY—Upon receiving the news that his name had somehow been included in an executive order granting clemency to nearly 1,600 rioters, Mark David Chapman reportedly decided to just go with it Monday when he was pardoned alongside the…

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Revealing a precipitous decline in the nation’s access to a once-plentiful resource, an alarming study published Tuesday by Harvard’s T.H. Chan School of Public Health found that only one in four Americans can get a…

SEATTLE—Kicking himself for not purchasing a gift sooner, local man George Yorkin reportedly groaned Tuesday upon learning that the only thing left on the Jeff Bezos–Lauren Sánchez wedding registry was a new rocket booster. “Oh, shit, it’s…

Better Copulate Than Never - The Onion Cartoons Share Published: January 21, 2025 More Cartoons Explore Tags Vol 61: Issue 4 Read More…

Pope Francis has published his memoir, Hope, making him the first pope to publish an autobiography. Here are the biggest revelations from the new release: Became interested in Catholicism after getting possessed by the devil as a…

The EPA warned that forever chemicals found in sewage sludge that some farmers use to fertilize fields and pastures can pose a threat to human and animal health. What do you think? “That’s why it’s important to only consume…