Vol 61: Issue 5

The Colorado Supreme Court unanimously ruled that five elderly elephants don’t have legal standing to sue to leave a local zoo because they’re not human. What do you think? “We can still sue elephants though, right?” Molly Klink,…

WASHINGTON—Pledging to restore racial purity to the nation’s aviation programs, President Donald Trump assured the families of American Eagle Flight 5342 victims on Friday that he was doing everything possible to resegregate flight schools.…

ALCOBENDAS, SPAIN—Responding to backlash after the resurfacing of a 2024 film in which she appeared, Karla Sofía Gascón issued an apology Friday for her participation in the movie musical Emilia Pérez. “I understand now that I should never…

Only Have Franchise For You - The Onion Cartoons Share Published: January 30, 2025 More Cartoons Explore Tags Vol 61: Issue 5 Read More…

NEW YORK—In a desperate attempt to revive their floundering brand amid declining revenues, WeightWatchers officials announced Thursday that butter was now worth zero points. “Joining the likes of cauliflower, plain Greek yogurt, and…

WASHINGTON—Saying it was only by divine intervention that he was still standing, President Donald Trump stated during a press briefing Thursday that God had spared his life during last night’s midair collision of an Army helicopter and a…

A very rare and very stinky plant, known commonly as the corpse flower, drew long lines at the Brooklyn Botanic Garden as locals sought to get a whiff, with the bloom occurring for the first time since it arrived in 2018 and only lasting a…

Hundreds of thousands of Palestinians streamed into Gaza’s most heavily destroyed area after Israel opened the north for the first time since the early weeks of the war with Hamas, a dramatic reversal of their exodus 15 months ago. What do…

About-Facebook - The Onion Cartoons Share Published: January 27, 2025 More Cartoons Explore Tags Read More The Onion

The Justice Department has vowed to “vigorously defend” President Donald Trump’s executive order ending citizenship for U.S.-born children of undocumented immigrants after a federal judge temporarily blocked it. The Onion examines the pros…