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Vol 61: Issue 7

Jalen Carter Flees Scene In Parade Float

PHILADELPHIA—Looking dead-eyed into the distance as it slowly dawned on him what he had done, a visibly distraught Jalen Carter reportedly fled the Eagles Super Bowl celebration Friday after commandeering a parade float. “Oh, goddamn it,…

Tips For Embracing Single Life

Despite stereotypes that unpartnered people are lonely or unhappy, being single doesn’t have to be a burden. The Onion shares tips for embracing single life. Take yourself on a date! There’s no reason you can’t have fun being visibly,…

Igloo Recalls Coolers Over Finger Amputation Risk

Igloo is recalling more than 1 million of its coolers following reports that a handle issue led to serious injuries, including fingertip amputations and bone fractures. What do you think? “Not sure why they assumed they could touch…

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