Vol 61: Issue 7

Super Bowl Party Guest Brings Something Called ‘Ham Plinkies’ - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: February 9, 2025 More News in Photos…

NEW ORLEANS—Delivering the fiery, expletive-laden remarks at a postgame press conference after winning Super Bowl LIX, Philadelphia Eagles head coach Nick Sirianni told Eagles fans Sunday, “I hate all of you, fuck you.” “It’s sad to think…

NEW ORLEANS—In an effort to comply with FCC regulations and provide “family-friendly entertainment” for viewers, Fox reportedly opted Sunday to bleep out Kendrick Lamar’s entire Super Bowl halftime show. “Our decision to mute all of Mr.…

NEW ORLEANS—Claiming that he was unstoppable back in the 1980s, President Donald Trump reportedly grew sentimental Sunday during the Super Bowl while regaling social media influencer Jackson Mahomes with tales of his old groping days.…

NEW ORLEANS—Reportedly catching sight of the threat in his periphery, a heroic Secret Service agent sprung into action Sunday and shielded President Donald Trump from an incoming Brittany Mahomes. “We are trained to identify excruciating…

NEW ORLEANS—Insisting their opposition to all forms of prejudice had not changed despite recent events, the NFL confirmed Sunday that players would still wear their “Fight Bigotry” jockstraps at the Super Bowl. “Trust us, when you tune into…