Vol 61: Issue 7

President Donald Trump directed the Treasury Department to stop minting new pennies, citing the rising cost of producing the one-cent coin. What do you think? “But nickels just don’t taste the same!” Hasan Rahaman, Party Consultant…

WASHINGTON—Stressing that he was open to going far higher to close the deal, Tesla CEO Elon Musk announced Wednesday that he had made an unsolicited $97.4 billion offer to acquire respect. “This is a very important opportunity for me, and…

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration recalled about 2 million baked goods sold nationwide, including some doughnuts and coffee rolls purchased at Dunkin’, due to concerns the products might be contaminated with listeria. What do you think?…

ARLINGTON, TX—In a milestone deal in which the Dallas Cowboys owner renewed his commitment to this mortal coil for the foreseeable future, Jerry Jones announced Wednesday that he had signed a 15-year, $500 million life extension. “I’m over…

LOS ANGELES—Boasting that he had made the most dramatic change to his appearance yet, anti-aging millionaire Bryan Johnson revealed Wednesday that he had put in purple contact lenses. “Today, I stand before you a new, younger man who also…

HARTFORD, CT—Telling his skeptical friends that he was in no way being hyperbolic as he described his ravenous state, local man Will Childress reportedly swore Wednesday that he was so hungry he could eat an orange. “Man, my stomach has…

WASHINGTON—Raising alarm over what the report called a major breach, a watchdog investigation discovered Tuesday that Elon Musk’s hair-plug guy had been granted high-level security clearance by the U.S. State Department. “Records indicate…

PHILADELPHIA—With a hush falling over the city as millions choose to stay indoors and focus on taking deep, slow breaths, Philadelphia residents have been enjoying a quiet week of Super Bowl victory reflection, serene sources confirmed…

Long Time No Semen - The Onion Cartoons Share Published: February 11, 2025 More Cartoons Explore Tags Vol 61: Issue 7 Read More…

WASHINGTON—In a major survey of public attitudes toward alternative energy as the climate crisis continues, a poll published Tuesday found that an overwhelming majority of U.S. residents would support wind turbines if they sliced deli meat…