Vol 61: Issue 7

CHICAGO—As he drifted in and out of consciousness and glimpsed memories of your eyes widening in horror, sources confirmed Tuesday that honestly, the man you recently saw get hit by a bus can’t stop thinking about you either. According to…

ST. GEORGE, UT—With the water vapor causing condensation to form on the lenses and impair his vision, local man Patrick Whittle was reportedly forced Thursday by his fogged-up glasses to finish his soup using his other senses. “In my…

PHILADELPHIA—Bravely responding to a citywide crisis, humanitarian organizations from across the globe arrived in Philadelphia early Monday to feed the city’s hungover residents. “We cannot in good conscience allow these people to stay this…

TECOLUCA, EL SALVADOR—Expressing concern after he stepped inside the cold, concrete room and suddenly heard the click of a lock behind him, a panicked Secretary of State Marco Rubio was reportedly trapped Monday in a cell while on a tour of…

Colombian President Gustavo Petro said during a government meeting that cocaine is “not worse than whiskey” and that it’s only illegal because it comes from Latin America. What do you think? “Been telling my parole officer this for…

ZANESVILLE, OH—Smugly muttering “watch and learn” as he opened his Chase app and pressed the “pay balance” button, local genius Todd Garett reportedly outsmarted his bank Monday by using a credit card to pay off another credit card. …

An outbreak of avian flu is currently affecting birds both on farms and in the wild. The Onion debunks common myths surrounding the virus. MYTH: Bird flu only affects birds. FACT: Bird flu can affect anyone with a beak. MYTH: Bird flu has…

Trump Asks Which One The Ball - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: February 9, 2025 More News in Photos Explore Tags Read More…

Travis Kelce Plays Super Bowl In Gucci Bucket Helmet - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: February 9, 2025 More News in Photos Explore Tags…

NEW ORLEANS—Expressing awe as they watched the personal security superstars’ approach, Secret Service agent Neil DeLisle, 34, was reportedly starstruck at the Super Bowl on Sunday after he saw Taylor Swift’s bodyguards. “Holy cow—those guys…