Vol 61: Issue 8

OJAI, CA—Seeking an immediate injunction against the American actor and director, It Ends With Us star Justin Baldoni announced Friday that he was suing It Ends With Us star Justin Baldoni for getting him into this mess. “For years, Mr.…

President Trump appeared to blame Ukraine’s leaders for the three year war with Russia, arguing Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky “should have never started it.” What do you think? “Oh, like you understand geopolitics so…

Despite calls for his resignation, New York City mayor Eric Adams has stated he is “not going anywhere.” Here is everything you need to know about Adams. Nickname: This fuckin’ guy Religion: Born-again MAGA Second-In-Command:…

MILWAUKEE—Growing more despondent as each turn brought them no closer to a conclusion, an exhausted group of friends was reportedly coming to the realization Friday that they had been playing the board game Wingspan incorrectly…

MOUNT CLEMENS, MI—With guests congratulating him and his family as his mind drifted back from the very beginnings of ancient organic matter becoming trapped beneath the Earth’s surface, local dad Brendan Canfield reportedly spent his…

WASHINGTON—Amid efforts to prove himself as an effective chair of the performing arts organization, President Donald Trump was reportedly unable to focus in a national security meeting Friday, distracted by the pressure of booking the…

WASHINGTON—Flailing their arms and crying out in anguish, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. were reportedly panicking Thursday after getting their tongues stuck to a frozen column near the West Wing of the White House. “Oh my God, it’s…

Elon Musk, the leader of DOGE, claims the organization’s sweeping cuts have already saved the government $55 billion. The Onion examines the key facts and figures behind the Department Of Government Efficiency. 20,000: Free lunch…

An Ornate cat-eyed snake was found hiding in a bunch of bananas at a New Hampshire grocery store, the reptile having been accidentally stowed away among a shipment of the fruit. What do you think? “This is why every American should…

Hundreds of prisoners will be freed in Scotland as part of a broader emergency response to ease the burden of overcrowded prisons across the United Kingdom. What do you think? “They’ll just go right back to being Scottish again.”…