Vol 61: Issue 8

Hundreds of prisoners will be freed in Scotland as part of a broader emergency response to ease the burden of overcrowded prisons across the United Kingdom. What do you think? “They’ll just go right back to being Scottish again.”…

Iceberger King - The Onion Cartoons Share Published: February 19, 2025 More Cartoons Explore Tags Vol 61: Issue 8 Read More…

TACOMA, WA—Operating on pure natural instinct while leaping into action to protect his beloved owners, heroic dog Snickers saved a local family of five from the threat of an herb-roasted chicken, sources confirmed Wednesday. “It was a close…

OAK PARK, IL—Paying no mind to his forgetful nature and instead lending a fancy free, devil-may-care attitude toward his tendency to sign up for promotional offers, area man Ben Cameron was playing it fast and loose this week with his…

COLUMBUS, OH—Reeling as she took stock of the damage done in her debilitated state, area woman Brittany Marino told reporters Wednesday she had sworn off Ambien for good after she woke up and saw how many library books she had put on hold…

WASHINGTON—With thousands of aircraft suddenly falling out of the sky after the power was turned off, President Donald Trump announced cutbacks this week that forced the Federal Aviation Administration to unplug the giant magnet that keeps…

ALHAMBRA, CA—Marking the moment as an exciting new era for Elmhurst Management Solutions, employees confirmed Friday that the revival of the company’s internship program heralded the coming of age of CEO Richard Bonaldo’s daughter.…

NEW YORK—Leaping at the opportunity to make their intentions clear, numerous NFL front offices expressed interest this week in quarterback Aaron Rodgers playing elsewhere, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Aaron Rodgers feels like he could be a…

CHICAGO—Charging across the street in order to find out “what this motherfucker’s problem is,” local drunk man Garrett Dotson confirmed Tuesday that he didn’t like the way the Kumon logo was looking at him. “Keep staring, bitch, and see…

A growing body of evidence suggests that GLP-1 drugs, which include semaglutide, the active ingredient in Ozempic, may be useful for treating alcohol use disorder. What do you think? “I usually drink wine to reduce alcohol…