Vol 61: Issue 9

After a ceiling collapsed onto the audience during a screening of the latest Marvel film, a theater in Wenatchee, WA is working with local authorities to determine the cause of the disaster. What do you think? “If you put asbestos…

A married couple on a flight from Australia to Qatar said they were forced to sit next to a dead woman’s body for four hours after a fellow passenger exited the restroom, collapsed, and died in front of them. What do you think? “I…

Andrew Tate Grabs Some Romanians From Airport Gift Shop - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: February 28, 2025 More News in Photos Explore…

SILVER SPRING, MD—As mass firings of career experts and scientists continued to roil the federal government, officials confirmed Friday that cuts to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration had left a single set of wind chimes as…

Tate McRae, the artist behind the pop hit “Greedy,” has released her second studio album, So Close To What. Here is everything you need to know about the singer. Birth Name: You’re looking at it Genre: New releases Hair Color: Unknown…

WASHINGTON—In a move designed to promote unity and establish efficiency at the federal level, President Donald Trump signed an executive order Friday making the nation’s official language remedial English. “Going forward, all government…

VATICAN CITY—Revealing that he had quickly distinguished himself at the four-day invitation-only event, Vatican sources confirmed Friday that Cardinal Timothy M. Dolan, a 75-year-old American prelate with a 3-foot vertical leap, had emerged…

BETHESDA, MD—Ushering in a new, highly advanced era of creepy-crawly warfare, defense contractor Lockheed Martin announced Friday that it had developed a giant tactical rubber spider. “With the introduction of this state-of-the-art rubber…

CLEVELAND—In a well-meaning but ultimately futile attempt at emotional support, Chuck Fineman, a local husband who was no closer to fixing things, was thinking “Maybe hot dog will make wife feel better,” sources confirmed Friday. “Hot dog…

HIALEAH, FL—Crimson droplets splattered across local man Cameron Downs’ white porcelain sink Thursday after he began flossing and reportedly spat out blood like a battered prizefighter in a championship bout. According to sources, the…