Vol 61: Issue 9

MIAMI—Asserting that many differing perspectives on the fruit were readily available online, billionaire Jeff Bezos reportedly sent a note to staff at the Amazon-owned Whole Foods this week strictly forbidding the criticism of grapes. “I…

President Trump said he will introduce a new “gold card” visa to attract wealthy foreigners to America, which would be similar to a green card but would allow people to pay $5 million to apply to become lawful permanent residents. What do…

In an effort to win back customers and boost profits, Starbucks’ new CEO Brian Niccol is implementing sweeping changes. Here is a selection of the innovations Niccol is making. Baristas will use Sharpies to get high at work again…

WASHINGTON—Insisting they were serious this time as they addressed all 340 million Americans, officials with the U.S. Department of Education sternly announced Thursday that they were counting to three. “All right, we’re not playing around…

WASHINGTON—Addressing the ongoing outbreak in Texas that has infected at least 124 state residents and killed one child, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. vowed Thursday to make measles deaths so common that they…

BOSTON—In a new study conducted to examine the effects of high-octane vehicles on getting her back once and for all, researchers have concluded that revving the engine of a Corvette convertible outside your ex-girlfriend’s office is the…

WASHINGTON—Cautiously optimistic that the trend would continue to arouse no suspicions from readers, executives at AARP reportedly wondered Wednesday whether anyone would notice that Kathy Bates was appearing on the cover of the nonprofit’s…

CLEVELAND—Bemoaning the exhausting pattern into which his existence seemed to have fallen, local man Matthew Taylor told reporters Wednesday that he felt like his whole life was just an endless cycle of working, eating, sleeping, getting…

RALEIGH, NC—Breathing a sigh of relief as the pair of new acquaintances talked each other’s ears off without any extra input, the rest of the people attending a party Thursday reportedly thanked fucking God that the two guys who liked…

Republican Senator Mitch McConnell announced that he won’t seek reelection next year, ending a decades-long tenure as a power broker who championed conservative causes but ultimately ceded ground to the fierce GOP populism of President…