Worldviews

LOS ANGELES, CA — A local man had his entire worldview radically altered today, coming to a revelatory new conclusion on geopolitical affairs after being stuck in traffic for three hours due to protesters blocking the freeway."You know,…

The Human Rights Campaign is forever on the hunt for companies that aren't gay enough. If they ever show up at your place of business and discover you're inadequately queer, watch out! They'll break your kneecaps!The Babylon Bee has taken a…

BURLINGAME, CA — Atheists around America spent the day sitting patiently around dining room tables waiting for a wonderful Thanksgiving meal to materialize itself from nothing."I was feeling confident this was the year something magnificent…

NEW YORK, NY — Planned Parenthood, in an effort to remain on the cutting edge of progressive language, has announced the new proper term for an unborn baby is "womb colonizer.""It's a perfect description for those little parasites," said…

NEW YORK, NY — Halloween revelers were shocked this week after a new haunted house that had gained strong notoriety for featuring human bodies being ripped limb from limb turned out to simply be a Planned Parenthood clinic."Totally not what…

HUNTINGTON BEACH, CA — In a move destined to go down in history books and studied by generations many years from now, a courageous local man took a stand against tyranny by openly reading a banned book he found prominently displayed for…

LOS ANGELES, CA — California parents were thrown for a loop today after news broke of a new state law that says if a child identifies as Optimus Prime, they will be required to install tires on him and send him running down the 405…

We're several days into a new school year, and if your kid hasn't been suspended yet, you may need to take a hard look at what type of child you're raising. It doesn't take much these days for a kid to get kicked out of public school, even…

WORLD — A newly released report has revealed that people are following their hearts at record levels, with remarkably disastrous results."People are just being true to themselves! Why is everything so terrible?" said lead researcher Tim…

SALT LAKE CITY, UT — By all accounts a subpar Mormon, local man Bryce Smith was assigned to govern Pluto upon his sudden passing yesterday. "I'm a little bummed, yeah. I was really hoping for something exciting like Kobol, Arrakis, or…