Banned From Playing Violent Video Games, Local Kid Settles For Reading Old Testament

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—After his parents banned him from playing violent video games, local 7-year-old Liam Connor reluctantly decided to open his Bible and read the Old Testament to get his fill of “blood and guts.”

Though at first he was skeptical that the Bible could be as violent as PUBG, Bloodborne, or Hotline Miami, he quickly lost interest in playing violent video games as he became mesmerized with the large amount of gore in the Old Testament.

“Well, if I can’t snipe people’s brains out in Call of Duty, at least I can read about this dude who totally went nuts on all these people with an ox goad,” he said under his breath after his parents declined his request to pick him up a copy of Black Ops 4. “This is lit.”

The boy’s craving to run over pedestrians and cause general mayhem in Grand Theft Auto V was satiated by his readthrough of the conquest of Canaan, while his desire to blow out zombie brains in Left 4 Dead 2 and slay demons in Doom was partially quelled by the narrative of the imprecatory psalms. “The Doom Slayer may be able to rip demons’ skeletons out of their bodies with his bare hands, but he sure never prayed for their infants to be dashed against the rocks.”

At publishing time, the boy had discovered Song of Solomon.