Last Place Fantasy Football Team Invokes Matthew 19:30 Loophole, Declared To Be First

PORTLAND, OR—Derrick Martinez’ fantasy football team is dead last in his church’s annual league, having gone 0-13 so far this year. The rest of the men at church had counted him out as a playoff contender, pointing out that it’s mathematically impossible for him to make a comeback.

But Martinez had one final trick up his sleeve: after his thirteenth loss this weekend, he cited Jesus’ words in Matthew 19:30 to the rest of the league: “But many that are first shall be last; and the last shall be first.” The league commissioner was forced to rearrange the rankings, putting Martinez’s team in the top slot and kicking the first-place team to last.

“It’s a great loophole,” he told reporters. “I use it every year. I intentionally tank the first dozen weeks or so and then pull ahead at the last second with the ol’ ‘the last shall be first’ trick. It’s a fantastic reversal move that most people don’t know about.”

At publishing time, Martinez was horrified to discover the now-last-place team had also cited the rule, pushing him back to last place once again.