Protestants, Catholics To Resolve Differences In High-Stakes Mario Kart Tournament

VATICAN CITY—After centuries of theological disputes, Protestants and Catholics have agreed to resolve their differences in an exciting, non-violent way: a high-stakes Mario Kart tournament, with the winner taking all.

The side that wins the tournament will get to dictate Christian doctrine on justification, ecclesiology, the sacraments, and sainthood for the next 500 years.

Pope Francis has agreed to represent the Catholic side. The Pope is reportedly very competitive as Yoshi, with an aggressive playstyle that focuses on hanging around in the middle of the pack, grabbing strong items, and then rocketing to victory at the last second. He has been criticized for practicing social justice on the track, however, allowing those less fortunate racers who fall behind to pass him up in what he calls an “act of mercy.”

John MacArthur has been selected to represent evangelicals in the tournament after a strong showing in an interdenominational qualifier. MacArthur showed himself to be a brutal, vicious contender, blasting competitors like J.D. Greear, Rick Warren, and Kevin DeYoung with well-timed Blue Shell blasts at the most opportune moments. However, he refuses to use any fire-related items, calling them “strange fire,” and absolutely will not play as Princess Peach, Rosalina, Daisy, or any female character.

He is, however, reportedly a “fiend” with the banana peel.

An Eastern Orthodox representative was scheduled to participate but failed to qualify as his controller kept getting tangled up in his massive beard, according to insiders.