NEW YORK, NY—Local man Frank Wilbur has been stuck in a group chat with his family for the past three years and had resigned himself to the fact that he would be inundated with a steady stream of text messages, pictures, emojis, and one-word responses for life.
But as yet another text message came across in the endless series of messages that usually didn’t have anything to do with him, Wilbur finally decided it was time to take action. Contacting a hitman in the area, he arranged to have his apartment ransacked, making it look like he was assaulted, kidnapped, and left to die.
“Make sure you get enough blood on the carpet so that it looks like I probably died,” he told the goon-for-hire. “It’s important that no one comes looking for me.” Wilbur also made sure his phone was broken and left on the floor of his apartment so that no one could message him anymore.
“Goodbye—for good,” he whispered as he logged off the group chat for the last time.
The man is reportedly starting a new life in an undisclosed location: a new job, a new family, a new identity. He was, however, disappointed to find that his new coworkers quickly added him to the company group chat.
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