DALLAS, TX—Local liberal man Ryan Girthing was baptized at New Rivers Church this past Sunday, having trusted in Christ for his eternal salvation.
But to the shock and delight of all, as Girthing emerged from the surface of the waters, he miraculously appeared to be wearing a Make America Great Again hat, showing a sure sign of his conversion to the good news of Jesus Christ and the Republican Party.
“As works are a sign of our faith, so this Make America Great Again ballcap is a sure sign of this man’s faith in Republicanism and also Jesus,” said his pastor, Bud Jepley. “I’m so proud to call this man my brother in Trump today.” The man’s various tattoos were also washed away in the mystical waters of the baptismal and replaced with a lone tattoo of Trump dressed as Warhammer 40K’s Emperor of Mankind across his chest. Various witnesses also claimed he emerged in nice, sensible khaki pants and a polo shirt.
The man went home to find his supplies of quinoa had been replaced with bacon, his small Prius with a Coexist sticker on it had miraculously transformed into a lifted truck with a TRUMP 2020 decal, and his wide range of books had all been replaced with works by right-wing political pundits like Rush Limbaugh and Newt Gingrich. He also found that an extensive collection of assault rifles had magically appeared in his garage.
New Rivers Church ministers have encouraged Girthing to join a small group such as a gun club or local Republican Party chapter, study a passage from The Art of the Deal for a few minutes each day, and pray while facing the Fox News offices every morning.
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