WASHINGTON, D.C.—Thousands of flannel-clad, bearded men descended on Washington, D.C. to march in the first annual Calvinist Pride Parade, sources at the nation’s capital confirmed Thursday.
Calvinists from across the country came out to support the oppressed Reformed minority in the nation.
The men marched to bring awareness to the existence of Reformed theology. “We’re proudly coming out as people who are deeply attracted to God’s sovereignty in salvation,” said a spokesperson as he marched down the National Mall with a sign that read “Sovereignty is Sovereignty.” “If you’ve got a problem with that, well, you probably can’t help it. You’re totally depraved.”
Activists partook in activities declaring their pride of being Calvinist, like chugging craft beer, comparing beard lengths, and arguing over theology. A large John Calvin balloon was blown up and flown down the parade route.
Arminian critics slammed the parade for exposing kids to Reformed theology at an early age. “It’s clear that the Calvinist agenda is targeting kids by exposing them to the five points at disgusting events like this—partially depraved events, of course, not totally depraved,” said one protestor with a “God Hates The Solas” sign. “God’s judgment is coming on this nation for this kind of Reformed behavior.”
Westboro Baptist Church activists also arrived to protest but left when they realized it wasn’t a gay pride parade. “Our bad—honest mistake,” they said.
But Calvinist critics shifted the blame, pointing out that they really had no choice other than to march in the pride parade.
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