Christians Demand Reparations From Joshua Harris For All The Hot Dates They Missed Out On

U.S.—The nation’s Christians have filed a lawsuit against author and ex-Christian Joshua Harris for making them miss out on so many hot dates in their teenage years.

“We could have been going on hot dates with cute Christian girls at roller skating rinks, bowling alleys, and Applebee’s, but nooooo,” said Christopher Lawes, 34, whose parents forbade him from dating after reading Harris’s book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye. “Instead I stayed inside and played GoldenEye 007 with the guys, and now the world’s moved on to Fortnite and I have no marketable skills, no job prospects, and no woman.”

“Thanks a lot, Josh!”

Raymond Whitaker, 29, agreed, saying that Harris’s book on purity culture prevented him from learning social skills and dating like a normal human being.

“The first time I went on a date, last year, I immediately asked the woman if she wanted to court. I also punched her in the face when she tried to give me a goodbye hug,” Whitaker said. “If it weren’t for Harris’s book, I would have been a hot prospect with the ladies at Don Lugo High. Instead, I was a laughing stock. A laughing stock, I say!”

The suit demands over $1 billion in reparations for missed romantic opportunities and the lack of proper socialization among “weird” Christian teens in the late ’90s. The plaintiffs say they will accept payment in the form of cash or hot co-eds.

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