U.S.—A new essential oil blend will help you stay really mad about everything.
Dubbed “Outrage,” the specialized blend contains authentic extract of coffee beans, sweat from Antifa protestors, liberal tears, and a hair plucked from the eyebrows of Alyssa Milano. Other varieties have essence of scorpions, ferret rabies, vinegar, and organic LaCroix extract.
“Are you finding it difficult to read the day’s news and get really worked up about it day after day?” said a representative for the company. “Then it’s time for you to take a whiff of ‘Outrage.’ Our patented scent will cause you to find something to be upset about in any mundane news story or interaction with normal humans.” The rep recommended putting a few drops in your essential oils diffuser or adding one drop to your morning kombucha.
Side effects of Outrage include tweeting to your 134 followers about just how mad you are, arguing about stuff that doesn’t matter on Facebook, and cutting off your relationships with your friends and family who disagree with you. Outrage manufacturers claim this is a feature of the product, not a bug, however, and that if you find yourself burning bridges with everyone you know as you rage about events that no one will remember in a few days, the product is working exactly as intended.
Outrage has been endorsed by political pundits on both the left and the right, garnering rave reviews for its enraging properties.
Upcoming scents include “Existential Dread,” “Imposter Syndrome,” and “Screaming at the Sky.”
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