U.S.—Millions of Americans have repented of their sinful ways and turned to Jesus after hearing that Democrats are going to be on CNN for seven whole hours talking about climate change next week.
Whole cities, towns, and states accepted Christ as their savior as they saw God’s judgment coming on the nation in the form of Democrats going on and on about climate change for hours.
“Please Lord—do not leave Your people to suffer,” one man prayed, prostrate on the ground, sweating blood from his despair. “Why have you forsaken us? ‘Awake, Lord! Why do you sleep? Rouse yourself! Do not reject us forever. Why do you hide your face and forget our misery and oppression?‘”
“I’m sorry for everything I’ve ever done,” cried one Seattle woman, who was an atheist until she heard about the town hall and repented of her sins. “I have strayed far from you, Lord, but I now commit my life to you if you’ll just promise to return before Wednesday.”
“We know, O Lord, that you can save us from having to hear rich white guys with multiple homes lecture us on conserving energy,” said a man named Daniel in Iowa. “But even if You do not, you are still Lord.”
“But seriously, please, save us.”
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