Catholic School Cures Harry Potter Fans By Forcing Them To Read JK Rowling’s Twitter Feed

NASHVILLE, TN—St. Edward Catholic School recently banned Harry Potter books from its library, which makes sense because you really can’t run a religious school while kids are running around turning each other into newts.

But teachers found that there were still Harry Potter fans who continued to read the books off-campus. So, they came up with a brilliant solution: anyone who identifies as a Potter fan will be forced to read author JK Rowling’s Twitter feed.

“We found that nearly 100% of kids were no longer interested in the books after they read Rowling’s constant retconning of characters and rants about American politics,” said school pastor Fr. Dan Reehil. “Once they found that Rowling said that Trump was worse than Voldemort and tried to shoehorn issues of diversity, gender and sexuality, and social justice into the novels long after they were written, kids’ interest in the series just disappeared, as though their enthusiasm had been hit with a Reducto charm.”

“Err—I mean, whatever kind of attack spells there are in Harry Potter. I wouldn’t know what they were called,” he added hastily.

The technique is also said to work for teens who start reading Stephen King books.

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