Updated Wedding Vows Specifically Include Allowing Your Wife To Steal The Blankets Every Night

U.S.—An updated set of wedding vows will force the groom to specifically promise to allow his bride to steal the blankets every night until death.

Published by Wives for a Warmer Night’s Sleep, LLC, the vows are being implemented in wedding ceremonies across the country right away.

There was high demand for an update to the old wedding vows, which call on the husband and wife to promise to take care of each other and be faithful but say nothing about how to resolve disputes over the covers in the middle of the night. These new oaths cover the issue clearly and effectively, with the husband surrendering all rights to a warm sleep.

The new vows read as follows:

“I, [Name], take you, [Name] for my lawful wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part. And I will also allow you to roll over and steal all the covers every night and not complain when I wake up shivering in the middle of the night. Because I know you’re really cold and need the covers far more than I do. I willingly make that sacrifice for you today and forevermore. Should I fail to keep this vow, may I be attacked by an army of bears riding dinosaurs, who are riding even larger bears.”

The nation’s husbands have come up with competing vows that compel the bride to promise not to interrupt Call of Duty sessions.

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