Obscure Holiday Known As ‘Thanksgiving’ Apparently Celebrates Obsolete Custom Called ‘Gratitude’

U.S.—With so many different cultures melting in the pot, it’s hard for Americans to keep track of all the different customs and holidays everyone celebrates.

But a little-known holiday celebrated this Thursday apparently celebrates an obsolete, archaic custom called “gratitude.”

“Apparently, people used to be thankful for things,” said Dr. Fred T. Mann, who wrote his dissertation on the obscure holiday. “They would say what things they were happy to be blessed with, thanking some kind of deity or outside force for giving them things. It’s unclear why. There’s not much to be thankful for. And who are we supposed to thank, anyway? Everything good in our lives is our doing, while everything bad in our lives is someone else’s fault, obviously.”

Mann believes we’ve evolved past the need to give thanks, and so the holiday fell out of favor. “You can still see some people practice gratitude once in a while, but these people are backward and obviously privileged.”

According to researchers, Americans would gather around a table, eat food, talk with family members, and carry out a strange tradition called “prayer” where they would thank somebody named “God” for “blessings” in their lives.

The holiday was eventually replaced with our more advanced, cultured holiday known as Black Friday, where we beat people to death to save $20 on a television set.

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