After Noticing Adam Literally Never Showered, God Saw It Was Not Good For Man To Be Alone

EDEN—Biblical scholars now believe that the reason that God deemed that it was not good for man to be alone was because of his apparent lack of hygiene and general self-care. After years of assuming that Adam primarily needed a helpmate to stave off loneliness, new evidence shows that that may not be the case.

Adam, when left to his own devices, was content to carry on about his day in utter stench and filth. “Yeah, God has mentioned a few times that I kinda smell, and that I’m welcome to soak in the rivers and clean up a bit whenever I’d like,” said Adam, shrugging. “I just don’t really see what the big deal is. I’ll get around to it…eventually”

Some of the animals in the garden were keeping their distance from Adam, the smell was so getting so bad. The monkeys had tried to pick the bugs out of his hair for him but he didn’t really see bugs as an issue. Even the cats licked themselves clean, but still, Adam was more interested in tending to the Garden.

“Now that Eve is here, she makes me comb my hair, stand up straight, and pick out food stuck in my teeth,” Adam sighed. “The woman makes me wash behind my ears, go to bed at a reasonable time, and wear nice, clean, ironed leaves!”

At publishing time, Adam was seen carefully placing all of his leaf-socks into the hamper and putting on some deodorant flowers.
 

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