Nero Surprised To Learn That All He Had To Do To Stop Christians From Gathering Was Declare A Pandemic

HELL—Emperor Nero was surprised and a little angered to learn that all he had to do to stop Christians from gathering was to declare a pandemic. The infamous, oppressive ruler of Rome wasted a lot of energy trying to stop Christians from worshiping Jesus when all along, churches would apparently have just shut down voluntarily if he’d just told them there was a virus with a 99.7% recovery rate going around.

“I spent all this time persecuting Christians, burning them alive, and doing all kinds of horrible things to them — when all I had to do was tell them there was a national emergency and they would have dutifully complied,” he said as a demon poked him with a pitchfork. “It just seems like that approach would have been much more efficient. Think of all the time I would have saved for more drunken parties and debauchery. Ugh.”

“And who do I talk to about turning off the U2 music in here? It’s driving me nuts.”

Get Free Access To Our Brand New Site: Not the Bee

After creating The Babylon Bee in six literal days, Adam Ford rested. But he rests no longer. Introducing Not the Bee — a brand new humor-based news site run by Adam himself. It’s loaded with funny content and all the best features of a social network. And the best part? Everyone with a subscription to The Bee gets full access at no extra cost.