Nation That Hasn’t Been To Church In Eight Months Not Sure Why Everybody’s So Anxious And Worried

U.S.—According to sociologists, Americans are experiencing unprecedented levels of worry, anxiousness, and depression. Americans also haven’t attended church services in over 8 months, but those two things are likely unrelated.

“2020 has been a really tough year,” said psychologist Sandie Cobb. “People have been shut in their homes, afraid of the pandemic, and overwhelmed with depression and suicide. In addition, the main source of spiritual comfort and community people have — the bar and nightclub scene, has been completely stripped away. People also haven’t been going to church, but I don’t think that really has anything to do with it.”

Experts are diligently researching what could be the cause of the country’s national malaise, but have so far come up empty. Many experts say that only the healing touch of the great healer, Joe Biden, will be enough to return the country to normal.

“I do hope Biden heals us soon,” said Cobb. “I’m not sure how much longer we can take this.”

A survey of Evangelicals showed that 92% of them would be willing to hug a church greeter while singing “Good Good Father” if it meant going back to normal services again.