WINTER LAKE, MN—Local man Curtis Bivens, who has not opened the Bible a single time in his life and doesn’t believe a word it says is here to tell you that everything you believe about the Bible is all wrong.
“Jesus would never say or do any of that if he were here today!” replied Curtis Bivens on a recent Facebook post.
Bivens has been proudly patrolling the Facebook comments section for years, always ready to set the record straight about your misguided thoughts on the Bible and the person of Jesus.
“Just take it from me– Jesus was all about love and he was never angry or divisive,” explained Bivens while adjusting his tortoise-shell glasses. “In fact, if he were here today I’m certain he wouldn’t be rebuking people. Instead, he’d celebrate them for being their true selves!”
Bivens added, “Jesus would have never been caught dead speaking to the oppressor class either. And he most certainly wouldn’t offer salvation to powerful religious leaders, tax collectors, or Roman centurions!”
In response, many people took his side lest they get called out and look like big dummies in the comments section. “He sounds pretty confident. I guess we just listen to this guy and take his word for it,” said Jordan Hankins. “I’d check my Bible but it’s all the way across the room and I’m sitting down.”
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