LOS ANGELES, CA—Christians aren’t typically known for making good video games, aside from standouts like Bible Adventures for the NES and beloved classic RTS Left Behind Eternal Forces.
But that’s all changing now thanks to AAA Christian video game developer 1517 Games, a venture startup that’s set to release its new title Calvinist 2077 this week. The game, of course, features no choices at all and is basically just 40 hours of non-interactive cutscenes without so much as a quick time event.
“Wow, they really did remove all choices from the game!” said an excited fan trying out the new game. “The protagonist just makes every decision without any choice from me. It’s perfect!”
From the moment the game is booted up a cutscene begins without any user input. From there the game seamlessly transitions to the next scene, regardless of how the player might have wanted to handle that situation differently.
“Normally, I’d spend hours stressing over customizing my character just right, but now I don’t have to,” said excited fan Paul Moore. “Finally a video game that gets my theology correct and saves the battery life on my controller.”
“I totally did not see that surprise ending coming! I thought the hero was going to save the day, but it turns out that was outside God’s will.”
The game is highly replayable, with no customizable character options and over zero different endings.
Early reviews indicate that the game is a masterpiece and an overnight success among Calvinist gamers. Despite this, several Arminian trolls have already trashed the game and tried to tank the reviews by complaining about the lack of choice, saying the player is reduced to no more than a robot.
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