Biden Tells Freezing Troops Sleeping In Garages To Be Patient Until He Can Get Them Shipped To Iraq

WASHINGTON, D.C.—After national outrage in response to tens of thousands of National Guard troops being sent outside to sleep in freezing parking garages, Biden issued a statement begging the troops to be patient while he writes up the order to send them to much warmer climates in Iraq and Syria.

“Listen, ya bunch of dumb pony soldiers,” said Biden to a line of 3,000 soldiers waiting to use the bathroom. “I know you people are much better use to me when you’re fighting some war in the Middle East. Hooah! Am I right? Don’t worry. We’ll get you off to Iraq soon. You won’t be cold anymore, folks. It’s 115 degrees there!”

According to sources, the guardsmen were sent away from the Capitol Building after some politicians complained that they smelled weird and were holding scary-looking guns. 

“We were nervous about all those scary-looking men lying around everywhere,” said Senator Cory Booker. “One of them was reading an Ayn Rand book. It was terrifying. Please get these people shipped overseas as soon as possible.”

Biden has assured the waiting National Guard and the country that he will “have these boys shooting tribesmen in the hills of Afghanistan in no time.” 

In the meantime, the troops are dealing with the weather, food shortages, and only one bathroom per 5,000 troops. Fortunately, several more bathroom facilities were discovered on the hoods of Congress members’ cars.