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SATIRE – PURELY SATIRE
Mom Pretty Jealous Of All The Dick Teenage Daughter Going To Pull With Those Highlights
NEW GLARUS, WI—Tsking her tongue with envy as she put the finishing touches on her teen’s at-home hairstyling, local mom Sandra Bennett told reporters Friday that she was pretty…
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Everything freedom loving Conservatives have banned Canadians from doing in recent years
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U.S. Bans TikTok
President Biden signed a bill into law banning TikTok nationwide unless the Chinese company that owns it, ByteDance, sells its stake in the app within a year. What do you…
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Heart Transplant Recipient Walks Daughter Of Deceased Donor Pig Down Aisle
CHICAGO—Standing with the bride amid joyful tears from all present, heart transplant recipient Ronald Huger recently honored a dying wish from his donor when he walked the late…
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Women Explain Why They Are Attracted To Walton Goggins’ Character In ‘Fallout’
Start SlideshowRecent reports have indicated that a number of female fans are thirsting over the Ghoul. The Onion asked women to explain why they are attracted to Walton Goggins’…
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Eco-Friendly Home
This uniquely shaped home made of bio-based materials hangs from the eaves of someone else’s garage so you won’t have to pay any property taxes. Must share with thousands of…
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Mall Still Hasn’t Removed Rotting Santa Claus
WICHITA, KS—Complaining that the holidays had ended four months ago, annoyed local shoppers told reporters Friday that Towne West Square still hadn’t removed its now-rotting Santa…
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‘Israel Must End Its Illegal Occupation!’ Cry People Staging Illegal Occupation
U.S. — According to sources, college students have illegally occupied public spaces across the country to protest what they believe is Israel's illegal occupation of Palestine. "We…
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American 18-year-olds stoked to vote in last presidential election
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Give Us $1 Or ‘The Onion’ Disappears Forever
Click The Image Above To Give Us The Fucking MoneyToday, billions of readers like yourself navigated to The Onion seeking dispatches from America’s Finest News Source. Like so many…
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8 Changes Biden Made To Title IX
Brought to you by: CrossExaminedPresident Joe Biden made significant changes to Title IX last week, expanding the definition of the word "woman" to an emoji of someone shrugging…
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Hamas Thanks College Student Supporters By Promising Them A Quick Death During Global Intifada
RAFAH — Hamas has issued a statement of thanks to American university students for their unwavering support over the past few weeks, promising that, in return, the deaths of…
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CEO Tim Cook Straps On Apple Vision Pro To Enjoy Alternate Reality In Which People Buy Apple Vision…
CUPERTINO, CA — Feeling despondent over low sales numbers and the financial losses that come with them, Apple CEO Tim Cook strapped on a set of Apple Vision Pro goggles to view an…
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Calgary unveils new slogan just in time for wildfire season
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Shadowboxing Nation Just Rewatched ‘Rocky II’
PHILADELPHIA—Triumphantly punching through the air as they dodged an imaginary foe, the shadowboxing nation confirmed this week that they had just rewatched 1979’s Rocky II. “God,…
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SanDisk Introduces New Flash Wheelbarrow For Hauling 5,000 Terabytes Of Data
SAN JOSE, CA—Touting it as the perfect solution for conveying enormous quantities of computer files over farmlands and dirt roads, Western Digital introduced a SanDisk flash…
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Teenagers Explain What It’s Like Partying With Matt Gaetz
The House Ethics Committee has reportedly interviewed witnesses about Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) attending a house party with minors, alcohol, and illicit drugs. The Onion asked…
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FTC Bans Noncompete Clauses
The Federal Trade Commission has barred employers from including noncompete clauses, which prevent individuals for leaving the company to work for a competitor for certain lengths…
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HVAC Technician Confirms Random Clanking Noise Just Normal Sound Of Pervert’s Erection Hitting Metal…
OLATHE, KS—Assuaging a client’s concerns about a potential problem with their heating and cooling system, local HVAC technician Frank Legrand confirmed Thursday that the random…
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Hundreds Of Teenage Shoplifters Run Away With State Of Nebraska
LINCOLN, NE—Warning that crime among the nation’s youth was spiraling out of control, law enforcement officials told reporters Thursday that hundreds of teenage shoplifters had…
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Asian Kid Who Actually Went To Columbia To Learn Gettin’ Real Sick Of This Crap
NEW YORK, NY — As unrest due to anti-Israel protests continued into another day, an Asian kid who went to Columbia University to actually learn was reportedly gettin' real sick of…
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10 Famous Presidential Quotes If All Presidents Spoke Like Joe Biden
Have you ever noticed that Joe Biden has a funny way of speaking? From his endearing way of retelling events that never happened to his uncanny ability to make up new words on the…
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L.A. Mayor’s Podium Stolen During News Conference Touting Drop In Crime
LOS ANGELES, CA — In what some commentators are calling a political bug-a-boo, Los Angeles Mayor Karen Bass's podium was stolen right out from under her during a press conference…
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Poilievre meets with far-right east coast extremists to workshop summer conspiracies
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Archeologists Discover Fake 100 Dollar Bill Gospel Tract Used By Philip The Evangelist
SEBASTIA — A notable piece of Christian history was unearthed this week, as archeologists discovered the fake 100 dollar bill gospel tract that was used by Philip the evangelist…
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